Unfaithful
by xofalling2deep
Summary: She loves him, she really does. It's just not enough anymore. My take on the MarkMaureen breakup. Songfic to Rihanna's Unfaithful.


**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Rent. That belongs to the late, great, Jon Larson. Oh, and I don't own the song I used either. Unfaithful by Rihanna. Please review! Oh, and read the song lyrics because they really fit in and add effect.

**Summary:** The song fit almost perfectly, so I used it. Maureen is contemplating her confusing love life. Should she tell him that she's unfaithful?

**Unfaithful**

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* * *

Story of my life**_  
_**Searching for the right**_  
_**But it keeps avoiding me**_

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**_I was lying in his arms. I felt safe, loved, protected...but that wasn't all I want...that isn't all I want. I want all that mixed in with passion and drama. After all, my life has been one long drama; shouldn't my love life be the same? My thoughts wander farther as he strokes my dark hair. I don't deserve him, I never have. Yet somehow he stays with me. He loves me, despite everything. I've tried countless times to tell him. That's my excuse. That I love him too much to break his heart. It's true, I love him. Ever since I laid my deep brown eyes on him, I've loved him. Despite his nerdy appearance, his complete innocence (that I completely got rid of), and his goofy smile...or maybe because of those things...I fell in love with him. Somewhere along the way, something changed. He stopped waiting on me hand and foot. He stopped thinking of me and only me. It's selfish of me, I know it is, but I want to be waited on constantly. It's not annoying like other girls think.  
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* * *

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_**Sorrow in my song**_  
_**Cause it seems that wrong**_  
_**Really loves my company**_

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**_I love him too, I know I do. The only problem is I've found something more. I've found the passion and drama I've always wanted. Suddenly, thunder strikes and brings me back to reality. Great, it's raining. I'm gently pushed up so he can place a bucket underneath the leaks. That's the one problem with having the loft apartment. Can't say I'm complaining though, if there were no leaks or power outages, it would be beautiful. Almost. He's coming back now, smiling at me. It's a very seductive smile; one that looks almost misplaced on the face of a nerdy camera man. I'm the only one that knows, behind those glasses, is a monster. He's amazing, loving, caring...everything I thought I always wanted. But, like I said, I found something more.

* * *

_**He's more than a man**_  
_**And this is more than love**_  
_**The reason that the sky is blue**_  
_**But clouds are rolling in**_  
_**Because I'm gone again**_  
_**And to him I just can't be true**_

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* * *

**_I'm caught in his embrace. I smile and laugh, trying to hide the fact that I know I'm hurting him each time I let this happen. He loves me and I love him. But that's not enough...maybe it never has. He smiles at me and I melt all over again. My resolve has broken and I just can't tell him. I don't want to ruin the moment. It's wonderful to be loved by someone. He's mine no matter what I do. That's why I've held on so long. Who knows how long my little 'affair' will last? At least, if I keep him, I'll have something to lean back on. With him I'm safe.

* * *

_**And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful**_  
_**And it kills him inside**_  
_**To know that I am happy with some other guy**_  
_**I can see him dying**_

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**_He knows, my darling pookie knows. I see it in his eyes. Behind the obvious loving gaze lie questions. His brilliant blue eyes betray him and I see hurt. I see pain and confusion and a million questions. Then I see desperation. He's holding on, he'll hold on as long as he can, I know he will. No matter what, he still wants me; he still loves me. Deep down, I know I love him. Then again, when has 'love' been enough for me? I'm the resident drama queen of Alphabet City._**

* * *

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_**I don't wanna do this anymore**_  
_**I don't wanna be the reason why**_  
_**Everytime I walk out the door**_  
_**I see him die a little more inside**_

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**_My mind flashes to the times I've walked out on him. He's still looking at me, content with the fact that I'm his for now. We've moved back to the couch; my head is in his lap looking straight back at him. He doesn't know that he's the only one that's recorded everything that's happened between us. He doesn't know that I'm hurting, too. Maybe if he knew how much he'd been neglecting me lately, he'd know why I've been...unfaithful. If only he knew that each time he helps his best friend, he leaves me in the dust. I can remember yelling at him, walking out, and in a bar with another...person. Then I come back the next morning, my hair tousled and clothes askew. He doesn't ask anymore, he knows the truth. Yet he still keeps me, he still loves me. He needs better than me, as I've reminded him a thousand times. Instead of responding, he just adjusts his glasses, sets down his camera, and kisses me. It says a million things. I love you, I want you, I don't care, I'll keep you no matter what, I accept it, and every other possible thing he's thinking as I say that. Every time he hugs me, he doesn't let go when I do. He's holding on as long as he can.

* * *

_**I don't wanna hurt him anymore**_  
_**I don't wanna take away his life**_  
_**I don't wanna be...**_  
_**A murderer**_

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**_My mind screams as I realize what I must do...what I have to do right now. He deserves better. He doesn't know that he wants better. It's been so long, we've been together for months. Maybe a year now, I can't keep track. I shake my head. It doesn't matter how long. I can't hurt him anymore or I'll end up hating myself. I stand up and just look at him. My eyes are filling with tears. I can't believe I'm doing this. I don't have to do this! I can live a lie for a little longer and see how well my other 'relationship' goes. No. I can't hurt him. My heart tells me that, if I truly love him, I'll save him from anymore heartache. It's not until now that I feel the hot tears running down my cheek and ruining my makeup. Instead of telling him, I just walk out the door. My mind screams and asks me what I'm doing. Wait, no, that's him running behind me and yelling. He grabs my arm and spins me around. His lips graze mine, but I pull back. That's it, I can't do this anymore! I'm not going to hurt him anymore! I can't...I won't!

"Mark, pookie, baby, I need to talk to you." The sadness in his eyes tells me that he already knows what I'm going to say. He tells me to stop; he tells me that I don't need to say anything. I can't stop. I have to tell him. "Mark, please, let me do this. I have to do this. I love you, I really do."

"I know you love me. That's why...I was saving this for when we had dinner, but now's good." I watch him as he runs back to the loft. I know what he's going to do. It makes this even harder. Now it hurts even more. He's back now, smiling and holding a small, black, velvet box. "Maureen, I love you. I always have and I know I always will. You're everything I always dreamed of and then so much more. You make my nights even darker and my days even brighter. You're my sun, my moon, my whole world. I can't help what I'm feeling, I love you. I want you to be mine and only mine." Whatever was left of my resolve dripped away and I found myself bawling in the middle of the stairwell. "Please, say yes and make me the happiest man in all of Alphabet City." He got on one knee and grabbed my arm as I turned to walk away. "Maureen, will you marry me?" I cried. I couldn't stop. He stood up, placed the ring on my finger before I could say anything and hugged me. "It's okay. I don't care. Just promise me..."

I pushed him away. This was the only way I could do this without stopping again. "NO! Mark, don't you see I'm with someone else? Can't you tell? You're the observant camera man, yet you refuse to admit what you see is before your very eyes." My words were a bit to harsh, my voice was a little too loud, and the tears I was shedding were a little too many. I knew I was killing him, stabbing him with each and every syllable. Yet, I also knew this would hurt him much less than if I had said yes. My voice softened as I continued. "Mark, I love you. I have always loved you. Your glasses, smile, and your bright blue eyes...God, I love your eyes. I love you, all of you. Baby, I want to say yes, I really do. But both of us know...I'm not...always there for you. You aren't either! No, that's not the point. Mark, this has to end now. I can't continue lying to you. You know I can't be faithful, not anymore."

He stood there, just staring at me. I smiled as I realized how crazy we must look to everyone watching. We were standing there, staring at each other, and crying. His state of shock seemed too great for him and he looked like he was going to collapse. I figured I had nothing left to say...I didn't want to see him break down. I pulled him into a final embrace, kissed him on the cheek, smiled, and then walked away. Only five steps later, he grabbed my shoulders and I was facing him yet again. "Just tell me something. Does he love you like I do? Care for you the way I do?" He kissed me. "Does he kiss you like I do? Make love to you like I do? Is he good enough for you? No, he couldn't possibly be. I know I'm not. Maureen, tell me, do you love him like you love me? You know you love me. Don't ruin what we have! Don't walk away from me. I can pretend this never happened. Maureen, please." He had stopped crying. He was desperate and I could tell. I almost told him that I could make this work, but instead I did what I had to.

"Mark, I'm sorry. Please don't make this any harder on either of us. I'm sorry, I really, truly am. We'll stay friends, I promise. Just stop." I carefully removed his hands from my shoulders and, once again, began my descent out of the apartment building.

I stopped once more as I heard him whisper, "At least tell me his name."

"Joanne," I replied. Then, without looking back, I left.

* * *

_**I don't wanna hurt him anymore**_  
_**I don't wanna take away his life**_  
_**I don't wanna be...**_  
_**A murderer**_

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_**Fin**_._  
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End file.
